She Knows
by She's So High
Summary: Melanie has always known she is a lesbian.


She Knows

By: Lady DeathAngel

Disclaimer: Not mine, not profiting, 'nuff said.

Warnings: nothing you don't see on the show.

A/N: Um, just something that popped into my head while I was getting chewed out by my mom the other day. It's a little bit different for me in terms of style, but I had to write it. It hasn't been beta-read, but if anyone is interested in betaing my QAF stories let me know. And please let me know of any glaring mistakes as well. Also there are SPOILERS for S1-S4. Just be aware. And as always, please read, enjoy and review.

Melanie has always known she is a lesbian. When she is four years old and kisses Sarah Henry because boys are stupid and gross there is no word for it, it just is.

When she is six years old and boys are running around the playground kissing Sarah Henry and Chrissy Jones and making them cry she chases and kicks them and tells them to stop because they're stupid and gross. Two weeks later when she and Sarah and Chrissy are playing house she kisses them both and they don't cry.

The first time she knows what to call herself is also the first time she realizes she's 'wrong'. She is eight years old and thinks that Sarah Henry is stupid because they don't kiss anymore. Chrissy Jones has moved away and all the girls think they like the boys. Melanie thinks they're stupid too. Then one day a boy in the small town over is beat up and on the news they say he was attacked because he is gay.

Her momma tells her that 'gay' means homosexual and homosexual means boys who kiss boys and girls who kiss girls. Melanie smiles and tells her momma that she's gay.

"Oh, no Honey," her momma says. "You're Jewish. You'll get married to a Jewish boy and have a Jewish son named Abraham."

Melanie will not tell her mother she's gay again.

By the time she is fourteen she is an unapologetic lesbian. Her peers know it and they call her a dyke and a whore, but she's hit enough of them to make them scared of her and an icy glare shuts them right up. A few boys want to watch her kiss other girls and she tells them they're disgusting. She is approached by a few girls who only want to know for sure. She tells them that if they need to make sure, in ten years they'll be married with kids, happily over their lesbian phase.

A year later a new girl shows up and has short, red hair and smokes all the time. She cusses out all the other kids and questions the teachers and dresses in nothing but black. Her name is Rhianna and she's just like Mel.

Mel takes her home and her momma mumbles under her breath about those poor homosexuals and Mel and Rhianna laugh in her bedroom and then turn on the radio really loud to drown out the sounds they make when they kiss. They are not shy with each other and even though Mel has never done this before and Rhianna has, they do what feels good whenever they feel like doing it. The first time Mel cums against Rhianna's mouth she smiles because this, she thinks, is what its all about. Then she tastes Rhianna and she is addicted.

She goes off to college and her momma won't speak to her because she studies law and Marty Smith's mom says she's a dyke and she won't deny it and deep down everyone knows Melanie Marcus will not marry a Jew and have a Jewish boy named Abraham.

The first time she sees Lindsay Peterson, the blonde is in a diner on Liberty Avenue with two dark-haired men. One is playing with her hair and she wonders what a straight couple is doing here. She leaves in a huff because the blonde woman was hot and she hates her immediately. She does what she went to Liberty for in the first place and fucks a set of really kinky twins and pretends they're both natural blondes.

The second time she sees Lindsay she has a bitch of a hangover and she is nearly run over by the blonde's beat-up old car. She's pissed because all she wants is a cup of coffee for fuck's sake and these damn heteros who obviously don't know their place had nearly hit her on the sidewalk. The blonde steps out of the passenger side and her boyfriend is laughing as he gets out from behind the steering wheel.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," the woman says.

"I'm not," her boyfriend tells her with a tongue-in-cheek smirk that she will, unfortunately, become very familiar with.

The blonde gives him a reproachful look and says, "Brian," in an exasperated tone.

"He's impossible," she adds, turning back to Mel.

"Whatever," Mel replies, thinking that if this freak doesn't stop talking to her she'll puke. "See you," she says, even though she really hopes she doesn't.

She's walking in the diner when she feels a hand on her wrist. She pauses, holding the door open with her shoulder, and looks down.

"Um, my name's Lindsay," the blonde says. "Lindsay Peterson."

"Melanie Marcus," Mel replies, even though she'd rather be drinking coffee than making nice with a straight woman.

"God, can we move this little lesbian love-fest along?" an annoyed voice demands.

"That's Brian Kinney," she says. "A pain in the ass with an ego that surpasses even the size of his dick."

"Not that you'd care how big my dick is," he shoots back.

He's dressed casually in a tight black tank-top and a pair of jeans and his sunglasses are fashionable even if they've seen better days. He makes another snide comment about how they may be content to eat each other, but a steady diet of pussy alone can't keep anyone happy. They still haven't moved so he pushes Lindsay who falls against Mel who takes two giant steps back, arms full of blonde hottie, and the door swings shut on Mr. Brian Kinney.

"Oh God, I'm sorry," Lindsay says with a giggle.

She straightens and takes a deep breath that pushes her chest against Mel's and if they weren't in the somewhat crowded diner, she thinks they'd both be shoving their tongues down each other's throats the attraction is that strong. In the next moment, however, Brian has hooked an arm around Lindsay's waist and his hand is on the small of Mel's back and they're being steered to a booth that is already seating a tall, lanky man and the brunette she saw Lindsay eating with two weeks before.

"I've seen that look on Linds before," Brian explains. "And you two'll be fucking like little dyke bunnies by this time tomorrow. So . . . you might as well meet the gang."

Now the gang is new and small and none of them expect it to grow.

She is introduced to Michael Novotny and Emmett Honeycut and Debbie Novotny who brings her a cheeseburger and fries instead of the salad she ordered, saying she's entirely too skinny.

"You get used to it," Emmett says, stealing a fry with a grin.

Brian grumbles something about 'speak for yourself' and glowers at the burger he got instead of Turkey on whole wheat with no mayo. Conversation is comfortable and they talk about Emmett's living situation.

"It's a nice little shit-hole, equipped with all the essentials," Emmett tells her.

"Yeah, if you go for neighbors peddling their wares on the streets at all hours of the night," Lindsay says with an eyeroll.

"And she's not talking about Tupperware and Avon," Brian adds.

Michael sighs.

"You can always move in with me, Em," he says.

"And risk Dear Deb walking in on me naked? I don't think so."

"Since when do you care who sees you naked?" Brian retorts.

They go back and forth for a while and Emmett finally concedes.

"Okay. I'll move in with you," he says. "Should . . . oh, I don't know . . . some vengeful drag queen commit arson and burn it to the ground."

Then they talk about Michael's job at the Big Q and that gets everyone started on Brian.

"How's your job search going," Michael asks and Mel is struck by just how sweet he is for the millionth time since meeting him.

"Mikey, we've been over this. There is no need for me to go on a fucking job hunt. I'm applying at Vanguard in two days and this time next week I'll be the bottom rung on the ladder and working my way to the top."

"This coming from the man who has declared that by the year 2000 he'll be the _king_ of Liberty Avenue," Lindsay teased.

"What's the point of dreaming if you don't dream big?" he says. "Besides, I'm young, sexy, in _excellent_ shape . . . I am _completely_ fuckable."

Emmett nods.

"I'd do you."

"So would Mikey," Brian teases.

He flushes but the smirk on his face tells Mel all too clearly that it's completely true. The conversation goes on for a few more minutes and Debbie stops by with their tickets. Melanie finds herself liking these people, except maybe Brian who is a little too much like her and that is a definite repellent. But that's not why there is a huge smile on her face. The huge smile is because Lindsay is holding her hand and leaning up against her and as they shift out of the booth she slips her a phone number and an address.

The first time Melanie and Lindsay kiss is the first time in a long time that just the press of lips and slide of tongues leaves Mel with soaked panties and the entreating need to fucking get off. But she can't stop kissing her. They stumble through Lindsay and Brian's apartment and make lots of noise because Brian is out 'making a name for himself'. Lindsay's room is painted yellow and her sheets are blue and she tells Mel she's the first woman to see them and Mel grins because she'll also be the first woman to cum on them.

They stay up late and laugh and talk. Lindsay says Brian is the fourth man she fucked and she was his first and last woman but they're still good friends. Mel tells her about Rhianna and college and what it's like to be a Jewish lesbian. They fuck again and Melanie goes home. The next day at the diner when the gang ambles in, Brian pulls her out of the booth she was sitting in like a lame loner dyke and shoves her into their regular booth next to Lindsay. He says she's 'practically part of the family now' and she wonders why he would say such a thing.

But after she and Lindsay become an official couple two days later she knows why. To be with Lindsay is to be with Brian and to be with Brian is to be with Mikey and to be with Mikey is to be with Em and Debbie. There is no escaping the fact that they are a family. A large, extended, fucked up family. Still, after nearly four days of Sunday morning sex talk that is nothing but cock and ass she declares with a grimace that they need more lesbian friends.

Time flies by. Brian lands his job and works hard to get every promotion possible. Michael still works at the Big Q and Em disappears for a while which worries everyone except maybe Brian who had a fucked up childhood and makes up for it now by being the best he can be and expecting the worst of everyone else. Em turns up one morning during breakfast looking vaguely tweaked but he says he's okay and then rushes off to the bathroom.

Brian of all people wants to stage an intervention.

"He's too broke to be able to afford forming a habit," he says which is crass and heartless and typical Brian Kinney.

But Mel agrees.

"We should do something."

Michael and Lindsay say to let him handle it by himself and for some reason Mel and Brian back down because that is what they do, these oh so independent individuals, they walk their paths alone and let everyone make their own mistakes even though Mel is mad at Lindsay for the first time since their first kiss.

But they're still together when Em shows up at the diner on a different morning with a knapsack and a cough from smoke inhalation and declares a vengeful drag queen burned his building to the ground and he and Michael become roommates and when Brian invests in a loft and leaves them to move in and play 'happy heteros' with each other and he is becoming more and more bitter. They're still together when Mikey and Em introduce them to Ted Schmidt.

"Guys," Em says in his very gay drawl. "We'd like to introduce you to Ted Schmidt!"

Lindsay is nice and her salutations drown out Mel and Brian who snort in unison. Ted, it turns out, is an accountant and Brian and Em picked him up at Woody's and they all hit it off and he's now part of the gang. Mel thinks it's sweet, in a way that is totally pathetic, and Brian just thinks its pathetic. He doesn't like Ted very much and calls him Theodore and then leaves because he is Vance Gardner's bitch and hates it but loves the money.

They are still together long enough to _vow_ to be together forever and they plan for a baby and look for a house and Brian thinks they're stupid. They don't care. They look for a donor and Lindsay finally admits no one is just right because she wants Brian and Mel doesn't like that idea. Linds cajoles and says they'll have a beautiful baby and Mel gives in and Brian hates having to save up his sperm because he's now the most wanted man on Liberty Ave. And he likes it.

They are still together when their baby is born and Brian shows up late and drunk with a barely legal trick on his arm who helps name their son. They fight a lot. About Brian and his ability to be a dad and his relationship with a kid and maybe that's when it starts to unravel because Mel just can't bring herself to like him and Lindsay can never see him for anything other than one of her best friends and the father of her son.

There are good times and bad times and Mel believes that it will get better and stay better. They are still together when Justin is bashed and Brian breaks down and Michael is ready

to leave for good. They are still together when Justin's had enough and Brian breaks down and Michael has Ben and almost loses Ben and the world is crashing around everyone at any given time.

God, they last through it all. Through fights over pregnancy and the threat of Stockwell and Mel's identity crisis and Ted's arrest and fall into drugs and parties and abuse of Emmett and they are together to be there for Emmett and celebrate the fall of Stockwell and this baby is going to live and it's all going so well.

But while Melanie has always known she is a lesbian Lindsay has not. And Lindsay does the unthinkable and she stays out of obligation afterward and then she leaves without a glance back. Mel now has a daughter and a son and no wife and she feels weak and lost. She's spent too much time being a bitch and a stereotypical bull-dyke and even though she's always hated Brian this must be what he felt when Justin left. They've spent so long being strong no one can ever know they're vulnerable and it's all about saving face.

She doesn't think she can do it though, pretend she can handle it. Because she can't.

And now she knows it.


End file.
